What To Think......

Donny called me tonight. Which in itself isnt strange, but, what he asked me kind of stopped me in my tracks. He wants to know how I would feel about him taking a different truck driving job. Again, not strange. This job, however, is in......AFGHANISTAN! WTF?!?!?!? Apparently there are all kinds of civilian jobs there for drivers and other professions. He sees dollar signs, and yes, to have our current house paid off and new vehicles in our driveway would be nice. We want so many things but would it be worth the sacrifices and danger that would come with it. I am his wife and I will support whatever decision he comes to. I will not like it, and I know it would drastically change the dynamics of our marriage until he came home. I already hate him being gone for a month or so at a time and him being 12 hours away. What will it feel like when he is thousands of miles away and I cant see him for 6 months or more? When people ask where he is and I tell them, they will automatically feel sorry for me and think hes in the service. When I tell them, no, we just want the money, that will make us look horrible. Not that I really care too much what people think, but it does cross my mind. I wanted to scream at him and yell at him that he cant go and what the hell is wrong with him for wanting to go. I know he wants us to be comfortable and he wants us to have everything we possibly can. He wants our kids to go to college without the burden of having to worry about scholarships or student loans. He wants us to own land with a nice house on it. I want those things too but I'm not willing to risk his life for them. Gahhhhh, what to do.. I havent told anyone because I'm not sure what decision we will come to. Time will tell, but if I know him, hes probably already rewritten his resume and filled out the application.

Blah

So he did end up coming for the wedding. He got drunk and before the party even started, he was yelling out retarded comments. I got pissed and he eventually calmed down but it still irritated me. Seemed irritating me was high on peoples list that day. I dont know what i would do if this person was related to me, but Im sure it would eventually involve an assult charge. She is a despicable human being. Constantly complaining and bitching about everything and anything she could. Jealousy is what was driving her nonsense that day. She knows she will never have what the bride has and it was eating her alive. She was lashing out at everyone and it was pathetic. She needs to get a job, move out of her mommas house and get her own shit going. And please, please get the hell off welfare! The rest of us are sick of paying for you to live. Especially when you arent grateful for any of the benefits you receive. Damn, she annoys me.. Can you tell??? LOL It was a very nice wedding besides the stupid bullshit. Very happy for them!

Alone

     Feeling extremely lonely these last few days. I get that he is away making money so we can survive as a family but, I am getting sick of spending every waking moment alone (and un-waking for that matter). I start my day alone, clean alone, hang with my kids alone, eat alone, shop alone, watch movies alone and sleep alone. Unless one of my children wake up in the middle of the night and find their way into my room. I was really looking forward to him being here for Karen's wedding. I mean, I'm married right? So why is it that I have to go to this thing alone. Because we will miss out on more than a thousand dollars thats why. I get it, really I do. But now, once again, while everyone is celebrating love and marriage, I will stand there without my husband. People who don't know me, will think I'm single. Worse yet, those who do know me, will feel sorry for me and I hate that most of all. I made sure the DJ had our wedding song so I would be able to dance with my husband when they play it. Now when I hear it, I will want to cry. I wont, but thats how I will be feeling inside. He's coming home for Thanksgiving, but is bringing his friend from work with him. He asked me first and I should have said no. Thats my time with him, our time with him. Oh well. I guess I should be thankful that he will be here for 3 days. Enough bitching though. I will plaster that fake ass smile on my face, and pretend to be O.K. with everything,people expect that from me, ya know?

Hubby's 40th Bday

Yay! He is on the train and on his way home! It has been SO long since I have seen him and cannot wait! I have some things planned for his birthday and have a tight schedule tomorrow. Of course the train was late so hopefully he gets here before noon. Having a good time lately, so nothing cynical today!

Ready For School

    I went and got the kids all of their school supplies yesterday. God I hate Wal-Mart this time of the year. After trying to get in and get out as quickly as I can, I found that I had forgotten pencils! Who forgets pencils? I sent Danea back over after them and $87.00 later, I am finally done. Now, time to get school clothes, shoes and back packs. As much as I dread having to spend that kind of money, I look forward to this year. William will be in 6th grade so he goes to the Middle School. I know hes a little nervous, but he is so popular, he will be fine. Danea gets to be in the elementary for the first time without her older brothers shadow. I hope its a good deal for her. My little Domino will be a 2nd grader. Im crossing my fingers that he will get Mrs. Olson for a teacher. She is a great lady and a real testament to what a teacher should be. She worked wonders with William and still asks about him to this day. I have requested her and even though they say your not supposed to, they usually do what we ask. 

    Donny is coming home on the 2nd of September. Which is also his 40th birthday. He doesnt know, but I am going to invite some of our friends and family over for a BBQ and some drinks. He will go back to North Dakota again that Sunday, and I know it will be hard to say goodbye again. This is a true test for our family but I think we are doing a good job so far. It will be great to see him again. Cant wait!!

Heavy Baggage

    Once again, my requests have been ignored. Why is it that my mother feels the need to publicly expose all of our personal stuff? I have asked her many times to leave me out of it. She is almost compelled to piss me off with it. Like she is trying to pick a fight. Well, game on then. I am sick of her talking like she is a poor, wounded animal without anyone to love her.. Why is that, ma? I mean you were always there for us right?? Oh wait, she was never there for us. She wants to play like our versions of the story are different, they arent. Then again, maybe she has created a different reality to spare herself the anguish of having to face these things. I am done with all this. Now she can whine to all her sympathizers about how she has tried everything and its gotten her nowhere. They can tell her what a great person she is and fill her head with shit all they want. I know the real person that she is. She can be whatever you want her to be, if you "love" her. There is nothing she wont do for you or give up for you just know that when it doesnt work out, she will blame you for it all. Like she is a puppet in this life. That to me is pathetic. I am more than ready to give up and live my life without her. She does nothing but make me feel bad and think of all the things I needed from her and didnt get. Not the extra things, just the staples, like love and affection. She will say she didnt know how. Whats so different now? Do I trust her? No. Do I want to over-extend myself so she can feel better about her sins? No. I need to be healthy for me and my children. I will no longer believe that I was put here to be of service to other people. I have felt that way since I was a child. No longer. I am putting it down. It's not mine anymore. Only I can choose that. She can do whatever she wants with her thoughts and feeling on this situation. I am no longer going to tie how I feel about this to how she may feel about it. I am officially done!

Be Careful What You Ask For

    So, I have been on the outs with my mother for quite some time now. There are so many reasons that its becoming hard to pinpoint what exactly happened to make me come to this point. I know, even though this was supposed to be a private way for me to write all my stuff out, that she will read this. At this point, I really dont care. 

     I had an extremely fucked up childhood. I will not get into details, because its my story and I know what went down. She never protected us. One time after another she failed her children. Going back countless times to the man responsible for our traumatic lives. Prison didnt stop her from wanting him, abuses of all kinds didnt stop her from wanting him. Our safety and well being came second to her need to have this man in her life. I, being the oldest in the house, took the brunt of the abuse, but everyone in my house was subject to his sickness. I know he physically abused her, and I'm sure that was awful. But I took the right path and informed the authorities not once, but twice. Taking that step for a 7 year old, and then again as a 12 year old, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There is a stigma associated with what I had to endure that will never go away. I dealt with church people ostracizing me, family members turning their backs, and friends never being able to fully understand. I felt that it was well worth it to have peace in my family. The peace never came. I was to blame for the finances being gone, for losing the house, for her hardships, and for everything and anything that came along after the second time he went to jail and eventually prison. She will never say these things out loud but I know she blamed me. I have read her journals and saw the hatred she had for me and all I ever wanted was love from her and to be protected like any child should be. Now that I am grown with children of my own, I have found out exactly what it means to be a mother and how much personal sacrifice I do on a daily basis for my children, and I feel at a loss at how someone who takes on the responsibility of being a mother, yet fails her children every step of the way. I get that she had a horrible life, I get that she was beat up on occasion and had to deal with an ass for a husband. I get it. I grew up watching it. But she is well into adulthood now and from what I see, her personality hasnt changed all that much. Shes still out for herself. Still seeking approval from everyone and anyone who will listen. Still claiming to have little to no responsibility for her part in our demented home life. This is unacceptable to me. I spent most of my life joking around with her and trying to trick myself into believing that she really did love me and that what happened was out of her control. I know now that she had all the control in the world to end our suffering, but chose not to. That was and is a hard pill to swallow for me. Now she wants forgiveness and writes about how much she loves us and would do anything for us. Well, I dont buy it for a second. I think she thinks she loves us, but proof is in the pudding. Things always seem to be about her and how she feels about things. That time has passed. I dont want to hear about how much you suffered because I suffered just as much. I dont want to hear about how you didnt know what was happening right under neath your nose, because that would have been impossible. I dont want to hear about wanting forgiveness from me, you need forgiveness from God. Not me. I will no longer carry this heavy burden around with me, because its not mine to carry. I cannot give you absolution from your sins. You were given precious gifts to watch over and you were selfish and failed at your promise to do so. I realize my own children will have things they will bring to me and want explanations for. And I'm prepared for them. But they will never, ever be able to say that I didnt protect them, take care of them, love them and keep their best interests in mind over my own comforts or wants. Im nowhere near perfect. Nobody is. But this is honestly how I feel. No amount of emails, text messages or phone calls will fix this. If she wants therapy, make the appointment. I will go. I will also tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Think about it very carefully. Decide if you are ready for that. Because if you arent, leave this alone. Take your time. I have years of anger, grief, disappointment to unleash and you will be a part of that. If you think you are ready, then so be it. I will be waiting.

Thats Just Life

    So many things have happened since I wrote in here last. My husband got a new, very well paying job. Downside? He's in North Dakota and we are all here. He doesnt think he will be able to come home for another 3-4 weeks! He's already been gone for 2. It is quite the struggle to get into a routine with my kids. They are about a month away from going back to school and there is SO much to be done. Now I get to do it alone. I know deep inside that this is what we need to do right now to survive and soon enough, I will be happy we did it. Right now though, I am going to whine a little. I keep telling Donny that in 20 years we will look back on these days and have a good laugh. I hope I am right.

    My mother got married the other day. I knew it was going to happen. She notified me through a text message. Not the way I would have told my children but at least it wasnt just me that heard it that way. I think Stephanie heard it on her answering machine. I'm not even going to lie and say I was offended that I wasnt invited. Shit, she didnt even tell me the date. I dont know if she thought I would show up, ranting like a lunatic or something if I knew. I do however, think she should have invited her grandchildren I wouldnt have stopped them from going. Then I thought maybe she just had a few witnesses or whatever come, so thats ok. But no, come to find out, my brother gave her away and my aunt went along with her children. WTF??? I was more than offended to see the picture, posted on facebook, that showed other children I didnt know, in attendance. She keeps screaming from the hilltops to anyone that will listen, or read, about how much her children and grand children mean, and then we are all snubbed from her wedding. Strange. I honestly dont know what her deal is. It really just gives me another chapter to add to my book. Which is already on to my teen years by the way. Yay me! I really hope she has a happy life with this one. Honestly I do. I just dont think I will be a part of it. I have my own demons to deal with and really dont want to muddy the waters with hers.I think I'm finally coming to terms with my own fucked up piece of history. Its a long road and the more I unwrap from my memories the less I like certain people. I refuse to pretend anymore that certain things can be undone or that everything is peachy. I am not saying that I hate anyone, just that my eyes have been opened and I cannot understand what could make anyone do those things to the very people "God" put you in charge of protecting.. Somehow cannot wrap my head around that.

    Kida are good, for now, and summer has begun its slow decent into fall. I look forward to the crunch of leaves and cooler temps. Oh and this wonderful thing they call school! Not sure if I will be going to work at the Deaf School or taking a job back at Maplewood. MSAD has until Friday to get back to me, then the decision will have to be made. Either way, I feel pretty good about things right now. The future is looking up and thats always a good thing!  :)

Donny's New Job

After a month and a half of being unemployed, Donny got a great job. The only thing is that its in North Dakota. Almost all the way to Montana. We had the weekend to prepare for him to leave, but it wasnt enough. He just left about a half hour ago, and even though I know it's what we have to do right now, I feel incomplete without him here. He is working on an oil field as an excavator. Driving semi trucks full of rock and whatever. Its super good money so we need to do this at least for awhile. He wont be home for at least 3 weeks and thats going to be hard. A test for our family I guess...

Counting To Ten

   Alot has been going on these last few weeks and I have been so crazy busy. I totally have that "Up to Here" attitude. The kids are out of school, as I have said before, and the weather has been miserable. Not in the too hot way that summers can be in Minnesota, but in the it hasnt gotten above 80 degrees in 3 weeks kind of miserable. They get outside in spurts, when it's not raining. I have seen far too much X-Box and way too much spatting. My husband has been off work for two weeks, more on that later, and has gone fishing every chance he gets, which leaves me to cook and keep the kids occupied and out of trouble. I have only gotten out of the house without my kids tagging along a few times in 14 days and I am ready to pull my hair out!

   I have a dog, Jasper, we call him "Jazz" He is a shi-tzu/bischon mix. I got him because he was so cute and a shed free breed. He is a great dog for the most part, but he gets this skin thing the vet has called "hot spots". It causes him to constantly lick and bite at his hind end and causes his skin to get really irritated. So, my vet suggested shaving him down and applying medicated spray directly to the areas and to use only oatmeal shampoo. Fine, so after I struggled with Jazz for a good 2 hours to get him shaved down and bathed, sprayed and calmed down, he looks like a chinese crested. Big head, I left his fur on his head, but almost naked everywhere else. I saw him shaking because he is so cold from having all his fur removed, so I ran to the local Wal-Mart to buy him a sweater, yes I said sweater... Of course I took my youngest son Dominick with me, and headed out the door. We get to the store and low and behold, no sweaters. No dog clothes of any kind. There seasonal, apparently. Grrr. I refuse to go to the specialty pet store and pay a ridiculous price for something that I feel awful about forcing my beloved Jazz to wear. So, he will have to use his doggy bed blanket for once.

    Back to my husband.. He has been on a sort of lay off until the end of this week and although sometimes its nice to have him here, most of the time, I find myself mumbling under my breath about what he is or isnt doing right.. I dont think of myself as a nagging wife, but there is plenty to do around here that doesnt involve a fighing pole or pillows and the couch. I am layed off from my job through the state at the deaf school because it's summer and the kids just arent there during the summer. But I do have a part time job and am looking for another. I have heard him say that he thinks that I shouldve been looking months ago and maybe hes right, but I never anticipated him being out of work as well. I think that since I do most of the work with the kids, I should concentrate on that when I can. Also, he takes day shift so If I work, the kids either have to be alone or I have to work 2nd or 3rd shift. Forget that!

   I guess that I just needed to vent a little. I really am trying to stay positive and get through this season like we do every other. I just have to keep reminding myself to Count To Ten!

The Dog Days of Summer

Danea came home from a friends house today, holding a bag of ice and a wad of napkins to her face. I took me a second to realize that she was bleeding. She starts crying, wailing is more like it, and Tells me that her friends grandmas dog, bit her. Quick as a flash my husband is on his feet heading out the door. I go to Danea and look only to see that she has 2 punctures on her upper lip and two abrasions on each side of her neck. I looked inside her mouth and thought it went through. I decided that she needs to go to the emergency room. I look outside to fins Donny talking to some lady, who turned out to be the dogs' owner, and tell him that she needs to go to the ER. The lady tells me that she has had this dog since it was a puppy and that its never hurt anyone before. I cant even think straight. I ask what kind of dog and she replies that its a pit bull. I get her address and inform her that when I go to the Er, they will report it to the police so she needs to have all her records ready for them. Off we go to the ER. We get in pretty fast and the staff there was phenomenal! They saw her quickly, and took all my information so they could report it to the police. The nurses and Doctors were awesome. With me and Danea. It was decided that she needed at least one stitch, and of course she started to cry, but after some talk from myself and the staff, she calmed down and got through it like a champ! Her face and lip looked awful for a good few hours, only now is the swelling from the lidocaine going down. The only bad part about that is that means that its wearing off too. So the pain is coming back, and she is starting to whine. I cant blame her though and she will get a pass tonight. I can handle one night of whining, right? As far as we know tonight, the dog has had all its shots and since we have insurance, there is no out of pocket cost to us and therefore none to the dogs owner. She has called a couple times to get updates and we called her when we got everything squared away and she asked about Danea right away so we are all good there. Obviously she cares not only about her dog but also about the welfare of our daughter. Which is good!!

Schools Out- Day 1

This happens every year... Excitement for school being out lasts 20 minutes in the morning, and then, the chorus of "were bored" is heard throughout the neighborhood.. I though I was prepared this year. Went and bought a new sprinkler, glow bracelets, assorted games, sidewalk chalk and gave them free range for the hose outside. It comes and goes in bursts! They have found themselves a mud hole in the yard. Not sure it was there before today but I'm positive it will grow in size by the end of the week. LOL Of course today it is 90 degrees and so muggy you feel like your breathing in hot oil. Welcome to summers in Minnesota. The winters are so brutal you find yourself longing for these hot weather days, seeming to forget how miserable they make you feel, and before you know it, you are wishing for a brisk, January day. We are never happy.. So, I will try as hard am I am able to get through this season with a smile on my face. I cant ask for more than that!

The case of the broken tree branch and the scraped knee..

My husband takes my oldest son fishing and I thought it would be a good time to take the other two kids to my friends so they can play and her and I can chat..Now as any mom knows, it can be very exhausting to get your kids to listen to what you have to say, at least until you have another adult to have an actual conversation with. Then they are all ears and you spend much of your "relax" time, telling them to "go play". They do, but with 4 kids there between the two of us, they each take a turn coming to eavesdrop and eventually you grown up conversation becomes a test to see how well you can follow a story that is constantly interrupted by the howls of the dreaded phrase, "I'm bored". So, her and I give all kinds of suggestions for what game they should play and just when we finally think we have them occupied, I hear from about twenty feet above me, my youngest son's voice floating out from a huge tree. "Mom, I'm stuck and the branch is broke!" My son Dominick, has always been a climber. Not just the easy trees either. He's like a monkey. So, over to the tree I go, only to see that he isn't exaggerating. I automatically look to see if there is an easy escape for him. I come up empty. My friends husband has to bring his ladder out of the garage and set it up as close as he can get to Dominick and before he can finish explaining how he will need to back himself down, my son grips the branch and flings his body toward him. Swinging like an ape in the jungle, he shows no fear and simply lands on Jim's back. Safely on the ground, he says "Thanks, Jim" and trots off as if nothing happened. I guess I can only be thankful that we don't live near any of those huge red trees from California!
After picking up the boys from fishing, we get home and have a late supper. The kids go out to play, trying to suck every bit of sunlight out of the day that they can, and just as I sit down to relax, I hear what sounds like my daughter screaming bloody murder. Anyone who knows my daughter, knows she has a flair for the dramatic, but I go outside anyways. About a half block down, there she is. Sitting in the middle of the road, holding her knee up by her chest. She screams that she's bleeding and cannot walk to the house. I get into the car and drive to pick her up only to see a normal kid scrape. I cannot stop the eyes from rolling into my head and the huge breath that escapes my mouth. I get her into the car and then into the house. I take her into the bathroom and after a few intense minutes of cleaning the wound, and putting on the ever so important bandages, the crying stops and all is well. Now she is limping and although I know she is perfectly alright, I give her a extra kiss and squeeze her a little harder before bed. I know that even though my days are crazy and hectic, an extra kiss and hug and a few soft words is really all she needed.Its funny to see the difference between the two kids when they have their "emergencies". I love being a mom!

Bedtime

So, tonight, like every other night, there is an issue at bedtime... Will doesn't feel good and wants to sleep in the living room, so then it trickles down to all of them. If one does something, the others automatically want to do it too. So there were tears and arguments about life not being fair.. Nobody tells you before you have kids that any of these things will happen. I think our civilization would die out if people knew what they were in for. Sometimes I just have to laugh and that makes them more angry... Then you get "suggestions" from anyone and everyone about how to deal with this situation or that one. Not helpful just so you know. Even if it is coming from a good place, I always feel like I'm being scrutinized for every decision I make. I love my kids and they love me, and the decisions I do make I don't take lightly. But take it from me folks, someone out there has a quick fix to your problem.. LOL either their kid or their cousins, brothers, sisters, next door neighbors' kids went through the same thing and they know just what you should do. Common courtesy frowns on throwing hot cups of coffee on these people, so heads up on this one. So, there you are, stupid grin stuck on your face while so and so gives you the "lowdown" on how to resolve whatever problem your having. I find it rude to inject your 2 cents unless it is asked for or you are really close to the person. Can you tell there has been an incident like this one recently??? I know my children, I get frustrated with my children and sometimes I'm even at a loss for where to go next with my children's issues. This is where you give support or a shoulder to lean,cry, smack on.. Not where you give your unsolicited "opinion" on my children or how you think I am not doing what I think is right. I am a mom, a full time employee, a wife, a cook, a planner, a driver, a teacher, a counselor, an activity director and an all around life coach. I have my hands full without some "do-gooder" letting me know where I'm not exactly up to par in their eyes. I have 3 children, who all vie for my undivided attention, 24/7. I am not a magician and sometimes, mom needs time to herself. Go figure..Time with my gals is important to me and I dont want to feel like I'm being put under the microscope when I'm "clocked out". I guess, the next time, I will stick a little closer to home base when I decide to let my hair down..