Ready For School

    I went and got the kids all of their school supplies yesterday. God I hate Wal-Mart this time of the year. After trying to get in and get out as quickly as I can, I found that I had forgotten pencils! Who forgets pencils? I sent Danea back over after them and $87.00 later, I am finally done. Now, time to get school clothes, shoes and back packs. As much as I dread having to spend that kind of money, I look forward to this year. William will be in 6th grade so he goes to the Middle School. I know hes a little nervous, but he is so popular, he will be fine. Danea gets to be in the elementary for the first time without her older brothers shadow. I hope its a good deal for her. My little Domino will be a 2nd grader. Im crossing my fingers that he will get Mrs. Olson for a teacher. She is a great lady and a real testament to what a teacher should be. She worked wonders with William and still asks about him to this day. I have requested her and even though they say your not supposed to, they usually do what we ask. 

    Donny is coming home on the 2nd of September. Which is also his 40th birthday. He doesnt know, but I am going to invite some of our friends and family over for a BBQ and some drinks. He will go back to North Dakota again that Sunday, and I know it will be hard to say goodbye again. This is a true test for our family but I think we are doing a good job so far. It will be great to see him again. Cant wait!!

Heavy Baggage

    Once again, my requests have been ignored. Why is it that my mother feels the need to publicly expose all of our personal stuff? I have asked her many times to leave me out of it. She is almost compelled to piss me off with it. Like she is trying to pick a fight. Well, game on then. I am sick of her talking like she is a poor, wounded animal without anyone to love her.. Why is that, ma? I mean you were always there for us right?? Oh wait, she was never there for us. She wants to play like our versions of the story are different, they arent. Then again, maybe she has created a different reality to spare herself the anguish of having to face these things. I am done with all this. Now she can whine to all her sympathizers about how she has tried everything and its gotten her nowhere. They can tell her what a great person she is and fill her head with shit all they want. I know the real person that she is. She can be whatever you want her to be, if you "love" her. There is nothing she wont do for you or give up for you just know that when it doesnt work out, she will blame you for it all. Like she is a puppet in this life. That to me is pathetic. I am more than ready to give up and live my life without her. She does nothing but make me feel bad and think of all the things I needed from her and didnt get. Not the extra things, just the staples, like love and affection. She will say she didnt know how. Whats so different now? Do I trust her? No. Do I want to over-extend myself so she can feel better about her sins? No. I need to be healthy for me and my children. I will no longer believe that I was put here to be of service to other people. I have felt that way since I was a child. No longer. I am putting it down. It's not mine anymore. Only I can choose that. She can do whatever she wants with her thoughts and feeling on this situation. I am no longer going to tie how I feel about this to how she may feel about it. I am officially done!

Be Careful What You Ask For

    So, I have been on the outs with my mother for quite some time now. There are so many reasons that its becoming hard to pinpoint what exactly happened to make me come to this point. I know, even though this was supposed to be a private way for me to write all my stuff out, that she will read this. At this point, I really dont care. 

     I had an extremely fucked up childhood. I will not get into details, because its my story and I know what went down. She never protected us. One time after another she failed her children. Going back countless times to the man responsible for our traumatic lives. Prison didnt stop her from wanting him, abuses of all kinds didnt stop her from wanting him. Our safety and well being came second to her need to have this man in her life. I, being the oldest in the house, took the brunt of the abuse, but everyone in my house was subject to his sickness. I know he physically abused her, and I'm sure that was awful. But I took the right path and informed the authorities not once, but twice. Taking that step for a 7 year old, and then again as a 12 year old, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There is a stigma associated with what I had to endure that will never go away. I dealt with church people ostracizing me, family members turning their backs, and friends never being able to fully understand. I felt that it was well worth it to have peace in my family. The peace never came. I was to blame for the finances being gone, for losing the house, for her hardships, and for everything and anything that came along after the second time he went to jail and eventually prison. She will never say these things out loud but I know she blamed me. I have read her journals and saw the hatred she had for me and all I ever wanted was love from her and to be protected like any child should be. Now that I am grown with children of my own, I have found out exactly what it means to be a mother and how much personal sacrifice I do on a daily basis for my children, and I feel at a loss at how someone who takes on the responsibility of being a mother, yet fails her children every step of the way. I get that she had a horrible life, I get that she was beat up on occasion and had to deal with an ass for a husband. I get it. I grew up watching it. But she is well into adulthood now and from what I see, her personality hasnt changed all that much. Shes still out for herself. Still seeking approval from everyone and anyone who will listen. Still claiming to have little to no responsibility for her part in our demented home life. This is unacceptable to me. I spent most of my life joking around with her and trying to trick myself into believing that she really did love me and that what happened was out of her control. I know now that she had all the control in the world to end our suffering, but chose not to. That was and is a hard pill to swallow for me. Now she wants forgiveness and writes about how much she loves us and would do anything for us. Well, I dont buy it for a second. I think she thinks she loves us, but proof is in the pudding. Things always seem to be about her and how she feels about things. That time has passed. I dont want to hear about how much you suffered because I suffered just as much. I dont want to hear about how you didnt know what was happening right under neath your nose, because that would have been impossible. I dont want to hear about wanting forgiveness from me, you need forgiveness from God. Not me. I will no longer carry this heavy burden around with me, because its not mine to carry. I cannot give you absolution from your sins. You were given precious gifts to watch over and you were selfish and failed at your promise to do so. I realize my own children will have things they will bring to me and want explanations for. And I'm prepared for them. But they will never, ever be able to say that I didnt protect them, take care of them, love them and keep their best interests in mind over my own comforts or wants. Im nowhere near perfect. Nobody is. But this is honestly how I feel. No amount of emails, text messages or phone calls will fix this. If she wants therapy, make the appointment. I will go. I will also tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Think about it very carefully. Decide if you are ready for that. Because if you arent, leave this alone. Take your time. I have years of anger, grief, disappointment to unleash and you will be a part of that. If you think you are ready, then so be it. I will be waiting.

Thats Just Life

    So many things have happened since I wrote in here last. My husband got a new, very well paying job. Downside? He's in North Dakota and we are all here. He doesnt think he will be able to come home for another 3-4 weeks! He's already been gone for 2. It is quite the struggle to get into a routine with my kids. They are about a month away from going back to school and there is SO much to be done. Now I get to do it alone. I know deep inside that this is what we need to do right now to survive and soon enough, I will be happy we did it. Right now though, I am going to whine a little. I keep telling Donny that in 20 years we will look back on these days and have a good laugh. I hope I am right.

    My mother got married the other day. I knew it was going to happen. She notified me through a text message. Not the way I would have told my children but at least it wasnt just me that heard it that way. I think Stephanie heard it on her answering machine. I'm not even going to lie and say I was offended that I wasnt invited. Shit, she didnt even tell me the date. I dont know if she thought I would show up, ranting like a lunatic or something if I knew. I do however, think she should have invited her grandchildren I wouldnt have stopped them from going. Then I thought maybe she just had a few witnesses or whatever come, so thats ok. But no, come to find out, my brother gave her away and my aunt went along with her children. WTF??? I was more than offended to see the picture, posted on facebook, that showed other children I didnt know, in attendance. She keeps screaming from the hilltops to anyone that will listen, or read, about how much her children and grand children mean, and then we are all snubbed from her wedding. Strange. I honestly dont know what her deal is. It really just gives me another chapter to add to my book. Which is already on to my teen years by the way. Yay me! I really hope she has a happy life with this one. Honestly I do. I just dont think I will be a part of it. I have my own demons to deal with and really dont want to muddy the waters with hers.I think I'm finally coming to terms with my own fucked up piece of history. Its a long road and the more I unwrap from my memories the less I like certain people. I refuse to pretend anymore that certain things can be undone or that everything is peachy. I am not saying that I hate anyone, just that my eyes have been opened and I cannot understand what could make anyone do those things to the very people "God" put you in charge of protecting.. Somehow cannot wrap my head around that.

    Kida are good, for now, and summer has begun its slow decent into fall. I look forward to the crunch of leaves and cooler temps. Oh and this wonderful thing they call school! Not sure if I will be going to work at the Deaf School or taking a job back at Maplewood. MSAD has until Friday to get back to me, then the decision will have to be made. Either way, I feel pretty good about things right now. The future is looking up and thats always a good thing!  :)