Be Careful What You Ask For

    So, I have been on the outs with my mother for quite some time now. There are so many reasons that its becoming hard to pinpoint what exactly happened to make me come to this point. I know, even though this was supposed to be a private way for me to write all my stuff out, that she will read this. At this point, I really dont care. 

     I had an extremely fucked up childhood. I will not get into details, because its my story and I know what went down. She never protected us. One time after another she failed her children. Going back countless times to the man responsible for our traumatic lives. Prison didnt stop her from wanting him, abuses of all kinds didnt stop her from wanting him. Our safety and well being came second to her need to have this man in her life. I, being the oldest in the house, took the brunt of the abuse, but everyone in my house was subject to his sickness. I know he physically abused her, and I'm sure that was awful. But I took the right path and informed the authorities not once, but twice. Taking that step for a 7 year old, and then again as a 12 year old, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There is a stigma associated with what I had to endure that will never go away. I dealt with church people ostracizing me, family members turning their backs, and friends never being able to fully understand. I felt that it was well worth it to have peace in my family. The peace never came. I was to blame for the finances being gone, for losing the house, for her hardships, and for everything and anything that came along after the second time he went to jail and eventually prison. She will never say these things out loud but I know she blamed me. I have read her journals and saw the hatred she had for me and all I ever wanted was love from her and to be protected like any child should be. Now that I am grown with children of my own, I have found out exactly what it means to be a mother and how much personal sacrifice I do on a daily basis for my children, and I feel at a loss at how someone who takes on the responsibility of being a mother, yet fails her children every step of the way. I get that she had a horrible life, I get that she was beat up on occasion and had to deal with an ass for a husband. I get it. I grew up watching it. But she is well into adulthood now and from what I see, her personality hasnt changed all that much. Shes still out for herself. Still seeking approval from everyone and anyone who will listen. Still claiming to have little to no responsibility for her part in our demented home life. This is unacceptable to me. I spent most of my life joking around with her and trying to trick myself into believing that she really did love me and that what happened was out of her control. I know now that she had all the control in the world to end our suffering, but chose not to. That was and is a hard pill to swallow for me. Now she wants forgiveness and writes about how much she loves us and would do anything for us. Well, I dont buy it for a second. I think she thinks she loves us, but proof is in the pudding. Things always seem to be about her and how she feels about things. That time has passed. I dont want to hear about how much you suffered because I suffered just as much. I dont want to hear about how you didnt know what was happening right under neath your nose, because that would have been impossible. I dont want to hear about wanting forgiveness from me, you need forgiveness from God. Not me. I will no longer carry this heavy burden around with me, because its not mine to carry. I cannot give you absolution from your sins. You were given precious gifts to watch over and you were selfish and failed at your promise to do so. I realize my own children will have things they will bring to me and want explanations for. And I'm prepared for them. But they will never, ever be able to say that I didnt protect them, take care of them, love them and keep their best interests in mind over my own comforts or wants. Im nowhere near perfect. Nobody is. But this is honestly how I feel. No amount of emails, text messages or phone calls will fix this. If she wants therapy, make the appointment. I will go. I will also tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Think about it very carefully. Decide if you are ready for that. Because if you arent, leave this alone. Take your time. I have years of anger, grief, disappointment to unleash and you will be a part of that. If you think you are ready, then so be it. I will be waiting.