So this is 36... I have decided to write less about my harried days as a mom of three, and more about this year that is looming ahead of me. I have been extremely erratic about writing, and with that in mind, I have made myself a promise to get on once a day. Now, I know how I can be. I like to start things that I may or may not finish, don't judge me, and I have a lot of ideas that never even get off the ground. But, this time, I will do this. I saw a movie once, where the main character blogged about following a cookbook and gave herself a year to finish. I like to think of this as something similar. I have fifty started journals, and half written in notebooks littering my room, but I feel this may be different and if not, I can always give myself a laugh in a year.
So, with that said. I did just have my 36th birthday the other day. A very uneventful day to say the least. I went to lunch with my mother, had a great dinner with my family, and that was great but, it wasn't like one of those banner celebrations you hear about. You know the ones, a big party, friends everywhere, caterers, the whole sha-bang. I have gotten to a point where I am satisfied with my life right now. Donny is home, the kids are doing great, and I have a job.. So I am in no way complaining, I just wonder who you have to shoot to get some of those perks you see on reality television. I mean really?? Whose reality is that? Where is my red bowed lexus in the driveway? Why am I not getting the little blue box from Tiffany's? Im sure somewhere, someone who is getting all those things on a daily is wondering why she cant just have what I have...Yeah, I doubt it too. I can say I feel lucky lately. My kids are all great, my husband is home and we are getting along well. I am kind of lacking in the friend department but in reality, that's okay too. Not that people don't need friends, just that I think my friendships weren't really as real as I would like them to be. My fault, Their fault? Doesn't really matter. Sometimes people outgrow each other and that's okay. I have done quite a bit of work in my everyday life to make myself a better person and maybe that was the point of all this. I needed a break from taking care of everyone and getting nothing in return. I needed to learn to step back and be okay to not always try to fix everything for everyone and if that means that their shit falls apart, that's not my business. Not my place to make everyone feel great while my stuff starts to fall apart. Lesson learned. I can still go out if I want, still go to parties if I want. I don't, but not because I cant. I just don't want to. I don't care to see a bunch of people I don't care about prance around each other pretending to be friends. LOL That's what it seems. I get this image of chickens clacking while they all talk and admire each others feathers. Everyone wants the two cheeked kiss and nobody means anything to each other. I am a sarcastic, quick witted, shit talker who some may call a bitch and the rest, well lets just say they probably don't know me very well then. I'm totally okay with that. Oh, don't get me wrong, I can be sweet, selfless, helpful, nurturing, protective, and a genuinely nice person, but, you aren't going to get that right out of the gate and if you cant handle that, it was nice talking to you. Move on, I don't want you to waste your time cause I'm certainly not going to waste mine.
Had an interesting call from my sons school the other day. Apparently, my son was sitting in the in school suspension room for the rest of the day because some kid called him the N word and my son punched him in the face. I suspect this has something to do with him growing his fro out. I support the fact that my son stood up for himself, could he have "used a different" way to express his distaste of being called that word, absolutely, but I will bet you the kid sitting in the office with the ice pack on his face, will use a different word next time. We have always taught our 3 kids that that word is disgusting and when people use it, No matter which people use it, It shows a lack of education and usually means they are degrading you. I am not black, my husband is. I don't have the kind of relationship associated with that word that my husband does. I don't notice people following us at high end stores, or the looks of disapproval from our "elders". He does. I have had him point them out to me and become more aware when they happen. But, growing up in Minnesota, its not a place that one automatically associates with racism. I'm appalled and embarrassed for this state when I do see it. I cant believe we still have to talk about this in 2013. Seriously. And what's worse, I cringe when I hear grown men and women use it, no matter what color they are, but when I hear kids using it, I want to throw up. Its a horrible word, meant to degrade and keep people down. Aren't people teaching kids these days about love and all that? I never used it as a kid, why would my kids? Is there no common sense anymore??
Well, I suppose I should get back to work. Overnights are rather dull though, and since I have all my work done already, my work will be made up of watching television and making sure no one needs anything throughout the night..TTYL

What To Think......

Donny called me tonight. Which in itself isnt strange, but, what he asked me kind of stopped me in my tracks. He wants to know how I would feel about him taking a different truck driving job. Again, not strange. This job, however, is in......AFGHANISTAN! WTF?!?!?!? Apparently there are all kinds of civilian jobs there for drivers and other professions. He sees dollar signs, and yes, to have our current house paid off and new vehicles in our driveway would be nice. We want so many things but would it be worth the sacrifices and danger that would come with it. I am his wife and I will support whatever decision he comes to. I will not like it, and I know it would drastically change the dynamics of our marriage until he came home. I already hate him being gone for a month or so at a time and him being 12 hours away. What will it feel like when he is thousands of miles away and I cant see him for 6 months or more? When people ask where he is and I tell them, they will automatically feel sorry for me and think hes in the service. When I tell them, no, we just want the money, that will make us look horrible. Not that I really care too much what people think, but it does cross my mind. I wanted to scream at him and yell at him that he cant go and what the hell is wrong with him for wanting to go. I know he wants us to be comfortable and he wants us to have everything we possibly can. He wants our kids to go to college without the burden of having to worry about scholarships or student loans. He wants us to own land with a nice house on it. I want those things too but I'm not willing to risk his life for them. Gahhhhh, what to do.. I havent told anyone because I'm not sure what decision we will come to. Time will tell, but if I know him, hes probably already rewritten his resume and filled out the application.

Blah

So he did end up coming for the wedding. He got drunk and before the party even started, he was yelling out retarded comments. I got pissed and he eventually calmed down but it still irritated me. Seemed irritating me was high on peoples list that day. I dont know what i would do if this person was related to me, but Im sure it would eventually involve an assult charge. She is a despicable human being. Constantly complaining and bitching about everything and anything she could. Jealousy is what was driving her nonsense that day. She knows she will never have what the bride has and it was eating her alive. She was lashing out at everyone and it was pathetic. She needs to get a job, move out of her mommas house and get her own shit going. And please, please get the hell off welfare! The rest of us are sick of paying for you to live. Especially when you arent grateful for any of the benefits you receive. Damn, she annoys me.. Can you tell??? LOL It was a very nice wedding besides the stupid bullshit. Very happy for them!

Alone

     Feeling extremely lonely these last few days. I get that he is away making money so we can survive as a family but, I am getting sick of spending every waking moment alone (and un-waking for that matter). I start my day alone, clean alone, hang with my kids alone, eat alone, shop alone, watch movies alone and sleep alone. Unless one of my children wake up in the middle of the night and find their way into my room. I was really looking forward to him being here for Karen's wedding. I mean, I'm married right? So why is it that I have to go to this thing alone. Because we will miss out on more than a thousand dollars thats why. I get it, really I do. But now, once again, while everyone is celebrating love and marriage, I will stand there without my husband. People who don't know me, will think I'm single. Worse yet, those who do know me, will feel sorry for me and I hate that most of all. I made sure the DJ had our wedding song so I would be able to dance with my husband when they play it. Now when I hear it, I will want to cry. I wont, but thats how I will be feeling inside. He's coming home for Thanksgiving, but is bringing his friend from work with him. He asked me first and I should have said no. Thats my time with him, our time with him. Oh well. I guess I should be thankful that he will be here for 3 days. Enough bitching though. I will plaster that fake ass smile on my face, and pretend to be O.K. with everything,people expect that from me, ya know?

Hubby's 40th Bday

Yay! He is on the train and on his way home! It has been SO long since I have seen him and cannot wait! I have some things planned for his birthday and have a tight schedule tomorrow. Of course the train was late so hopefully he gets here before noon. Having a good time lately, so nothing cynical today!

Ready For School

    I went and got the kids all of their school supplies yesterday. God I hate Wal-Mart this time of the year. After trying to get in and get out as quickly as I can, I found that I had forgotten pencils! Who forgets pencils? I sent Danea back over after them and $87.00 later, I am finally done. Now, time to get school clothes, shoes and back packs. As much as I dread having to spend that kind of money, I look forward to this year. William will be in 6th grade so he goes to the Middle School. I know hes a little nervous, but he is so popular, he will be fine. Danea gets to be in the elementary for the first time without her older brothers shadow. I hope its a good deal for her. My little Domino will be a 2nd grader. Im crossing my fingers that he will get Mrs. Olson for a teacher. She is a great lady and a real testament to what a teacher should be. She worked wonders with William and still asks about him to this day. I have requested her and even though they say your not supposed to, they usually do what we ask. 

    Donny is coming home on the 2nd of September. Which is also his 40th birthday. He doesnt know, but I am going to invite some of our friends and family over for a BBQ and some drinks. He will go back to North Dakota again that Sunday, and I know it will be hard to say goodbye again. This is a true test for our family but I think we are doing a good job so far. It will be great to see him again. Cant wait!!

Heavy Baggage

    Once again, my requests have been ignored. Why is it that my mother feels the need to publicly expose all of our personal stuff? I have asked her many times to leave me out of it. She is almost compelled to piss me off with it. Like she is trying to pick a fight. Well, game on then. I am sick of her talking like she is a poor, wounded animal without anyone to love her.. Why is that, ma? I mean you were always there for us right?? Oh wait, she was never there for us. She wants to play like our versions of the story are different, they arent. Then again, maybe she has created a different reality to spare herself the anguish of having to face these things. I am done with all this. Now she can whine to all her sympathizers about how she has tried everything and its gotten her nowhere. They can tell her what a great person she is and fill her head with shit all they want. I know the real person that she is. She can be whatever you want her to be, if you "love" her. There is nothing she wont do for you or give up for you just know that when it doesnt work out, she will blame you for it all. Like she is a puppet in this life. That to me is pathetic. I am more than ready to give up and live my life without her. She does nothing but make me feel bad and think of all the things I needed from her and didnt get. Not the extra things, just the staples, like love and affection. She will say she didnt know how. Whats so different now? Do I trust her? No. Do I want to over-extend myself so she can feel better about her sins? No. I need to be healthy for me and my children. I will no longer believe that I was put here to be of service to other people. I have felt that way since I was a child. No longer. I am putting it down. It's not mine anymore. Only I can choose that. She can do whatever she wants with her thoughts and feeling on this situation. I am no longer going to tie how I feel about this to how she may feel about it. I am officially done!